Saturday...(21st of Dec)

I don't ever think keep changing bf is a sin or a crime that is not morally acceptable. Someone has made a quite insulted joke behind my back and I was not happy about knowing this. Really. Also, another person doesn't seem to get over things that happened more than 2 years ago. The moral of this story has told me that once you ruin your image, once you get hatred from rejecting a person or once you break their heart, forgiveness can hardly be given from them ever again, no matter how close you guys once were...

Somebody taught me something that I am really inexperienced with...

We hardly have any talks in person but I felt like talking to him today yet he couldn't go out tonight

Thanks for sharing some interesting facts about your cross dressing friend btw 

And the peck on my cheek during the time when I slept somehow sparked romance between us. I felt so loved..

super delayed post...(20th of Dec)

• This was supposed to be recorded a week ago...
• I had another day hanging out with le panpan in the city. We firstly went to the Japanese restaurant, where is close to Chinatown, the opposite of capitol. I order a salmon salad and a side dish because I wasn't that hungry. He ordered a set meal.
• The wasabi there is not that good I should say
• He called me adorably fat, I prefer to be called adorable but not fat...>.>
• Straight to Daiso after we finished our meal. He got his friend a gift and that kris kringle gift. I mean he shouldn't feel bad getting someone a birthday gift with a pretty low price. For me, trifling gifts carry profound feeling, it's the feeling and thought that count, not the gift itself. 
• Then we went movie though that wasn't first place that came into my mind. 'Thor the dark' surpasses my expectation from the way it presents, lot of elements involved not only action. I kind of realised that this movie is a lot more like a sci-fi than a superhero one. In the beginning of the movie, I was wondering whether this would be a really fun movie to watch as the historical background that has given us in the first scene looked kind of plain. The protagonist really carries the typical charismatic quality like those great heros with his huge hammer. (ok just stop here...not going too detailed or spoil it...) but yeh, good movie, highly recommended   rank: 3.5/5
• meow....post-movie time was sort of uhhh...panpan and I been playing game on his devices separately in front of the cinema. Dramatic things happened when I bit him hard on his neck, his natural reaction caused him drop me on the floor, a kick involved due to his slightly madness. We basically tortured each other to the max. My unwillingness to go dinner made him lose patience, so he dragged me out at the end...
• Anyways long message was required for the unhappy day. But yeah, I don't seem to be having a serious talk with him, even after we sat on the bench and tried to talk to each other. Perhaps it really is my problem being so....you know...not wanting to open up myself to a person that I find him so untrustworthy... 

(19th of Dec)

• Constantly been thinking about if I can get the test passed in my way to RTA. The booked test started at 2 and I was already there half an hour earlier. 
• It was such a relief knowing I got perfect mark and got my photo ID...The long waiting time to get that driver's license renewed was not something I enjoyed though. 
• Met mum at Wolli Creek and went Daiso together. Daiso has become one of her favourites every time when she comes to the city. 
• The rest of the night was with panpan, who got invited by mum, to have dinner with us. In the beginning she asked us to take her to look for massage chair so badly. Out of so many things that could possibly pick, she picked massage chair>.> It was rather a hard job for us to find her that, besides, I seriously don't think it'll be a good idea getting one...
• The food in that Korean restaurant was not worthy honestly.
• A bit of awkwardness tonight for some reason. I am not sure why. 
• She wants to spend yet I want to save. She said I was so annoying yet I only thought to myself MUST stop her attempt to spend on goods such as my headphone. As determined as I am, I only want to purchase my own things with my own saving. If to satisfy my material need is to add more burden to my family, I rather not to catch up with the trend..
• First time panpan, mum and I had an official outting in the city, I shall remember this...

Preparation (18th of Dec)

In short, that practice test won't be hard but lack of confidence makes everything seems harder than usual. I can recall the time when I did my car test 5 years ago once I came to Sydney. The time that I had no idea where RTA is, where and how to book a test and all that. And I ended up dealing with all that by myself in a foreign place. I seriously don't get the point having driver's license in this stage, for me, public transportation is good enough. To my family, why mum has to give such a hard time adding so much pressure to herself though she has known that it's unlikely for us to afford such an extra cost from car issues. It has been five years in Sydney, if I've ever had someone to teach me how to drive, I would have gotten my full license by now yet after 5 years, what I do is to renew it by taking another practice test...

Why does life have to be this unfair..

Another ordinary day (17th of Dec)

When I don't go out, I still have something to be done at home. Now I am not saying this is no good, but I would love to have some spare time to do something I like, not something that must be done forcibly.

Jogging with mum in the morning again. The old guy once again invited us to go to his house. He has been telling me how big his house is and we can do karaoke in there lol

Nothing much special today really.

To practice my car test so I can book the appointment to renew my driver's license tomorrow or the day after. Even though I seriously don't think I need it but mum has been telling me to get it before it's expired on the 22nd=.= Pretty annoying...

Le panpan..(16th of Dec)

• Mum went jogging with me in the morning. This is the first time she is determined enough to go with me after she is recovered recently.
• It was rainy after I completed 3 rounds and walked for another round. We stayed at the little playground and did some stretching exercises. 
• rang up to ask about my suspension...That guy said I didn't reach the minimum numbers of courses I should've done for the whole year so they thought I was a part-time student=.=
• The date of inspection cannot be changed as they have booked it for the whole building...
• That game addict bf and I were having 'wrestling' on the floor and bed because neither of us surrendered...
• Actually I brought this up due to my extreme hating to guys playing online games and I have learned that he's one of them. 
• Those silly faces he made was trying to make me laugh to the point I needed water to clear my throat=.= 
• Anyways the shower was grateful and sexual. I felt good my back got rubbed with soap by somebody other than my mum lol
• We sneaked out from his house after his mum came back and went to sleep
• He took me to that Malay restaurant where we planned to go last time yet they closed. We ordered a $40 beef pot contains beef tongue, intestine, tripe and lung with mildly chilli. I ate a lot of meat, and my herbal tea was chosen to eliminate the chilli food I ate. 
• We then went to darling harbour and I sat somewhere waiting for him to come back from getting his hot chocolate. During the time we talked, his arms were bitten by mosquitoes and that he scratched both arms so frequent like a monkey. He wasn't even tired to tap my knees to see those reflexes the whole night=.= I just found it so funny everytime he did that on purpose and made my legs so jumpy as I put them on his laps. We had a couple talk as usual while hugging each other under my scarf in this cold night. The lack of connection between us has been always there, and I don't know when can this go away. He cried for that though. I felt damn sorry yet I couldn't do anything about it. 
• Mum yelled at me for coming back home so late these days...
• Lastly...I still enjoy panpan's company :)

Mature talk (15th of Dec)

I wasn't the one that was late, somebody was even later than me for another 15 minutes or so. It wasn't awkward at all though we haven't seen each other for almost a year after that breakup. It's also good to know that we can still stay friends. I don't know how others think about having close friendships with exes, but for me, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and they are the ones that know me much better than anyone else.

My last ex is still the same, the only difference is that his qualities of maturity are even more revealing from his unshaved beard and mustache. The time when I asked if he still does regular workout. He answered me with 'I think I need to workout more because my abs is gone lol' But then again, he added 'I am not the weak skinny type though, I am quite strong.' I watched him eat in pepper lunch and we both shared about what happened in this one year. His planning of investing a media company is quite a shocking news to me, I even teased him to hire me if he seriously does that with his brother. He slowly held a glass of water, contemplating for a while and said 'No, I am serious, and why not? I would definitely hire you' With a smirk on his face, I continued to ask about his work and studies. However when I reached a topic of his family in Thailand, he paused and said 'Better not to ask about it.' It has been always a taboo for him to talk about his family in Thailand, which he still financially supporting them I assumed. 

To my amazement, he ate so little. The unfinished salad was so wasted so I helped him to eat half of it... In our way to the park, he said he needed to leave at 5-ish. I asked whether it's before 5 or after 5 when he said 5-ish, then I was told being so picky. Well, I was trying to make everything clear>.>

We found a bench to sit down and talk for a bit. Quite a bit. I haven't found someone like him who can have a deep talk with me for a while. His sign of maturity during our talk helps me to reaffirm how vital a connection works in a relationship. With a little bit of frustration and disappointment that I told him about my situation, he then claimed he has no trust in nobody, just like me, who's being so doubtful about things and people. I was understood by him, who has told me friends are temporary in different period of time, they come and go, so when I greeted him, he felt really happy. That is more than true, which I totally agree with him, when I find people's shallow side after they hear about my stories, and react in a way that I think they don't even take my stories seriously, I lose my interest in opening up myself. Ever heard of unexamined life is not worth living? Life does need judgement and require thought to what we have done and what lies ahead. 

Anyways as I wanted to go to toilet, he went back to Central station with me. Then we came back and moved to sit on the grass. Before we were going to walk across to the other side of the bench, he was going to lead me to go all the way to the other side, I dragged him and said 'why not just walk across? lol why bother to walk all the way?' He then said 'I was just being nice, didn't want you to trip over walking on the bumpy grass as you are with high platforms' Just a simple considerate thought of his, a delicate thing that most of the guys wouldn't have thought about, even I forgot it, has made me smile. Also the exception he made for me, which he said he doesn't chat with people that much anymore, but to me, he would always respond because he knows this side of me quite well, which I would be mad if he takes ages to get back to me. Maybe that is why the ones that I see as grown up, can win my heart easily, their unintentional acts simply keep someone secure and warm without themselves even notice. By talking to him at the park, I have learnt something in that 2 hours, certainly it was more like a heartfelt talk. And his wisdom of planning his future is worth knowing as a sample of planning my own later on. 

A precious friend is someone that can share something with you at a very high personal level and even though you guys don't talk, the connection is still there. No awkwardness, no tenderness but just closeness :)

PS: Talked to Panpan's friend Ivy and I found myself talking too much to a stranger before I get to meet her in a week>.> so weird that is....

PS1: I am sorry to say that...BUT it was quite a random conversation with le panpan after he came back, yes longie? lol :3 but anyways, I love my bf's childishness sometimes, the way he cheers me up is really his unique panpan style x3