Saturday, 5 October 2013

Backyard..(in Chinese)

一个无法完成的期许...

昨晚睡前
徘徊在那种:怕距离太近,他会故意与你疏远
怕说错什么,然后再次失去的心情里
度过了一个泪眼盈眶,不知何去何从的几小时
于是,我失眠了
迷失在无法言语的无奈中
无法自拔的也不知道自己究竟在哭什么
那份悲喜交集
与淡淡却又浓厚的回忆
好难完全从脑里剥去

5个月后的今天终于又见到了他
我一开始打招呼就没有正眼看他一下
反而是他冲我走过来戳了我脸一下问我how's it going
之后下车后又跟我走了一段路闲聊了一下
大概打羽毛球的这段时间大家就开始保持沉默
我刚开始跟Brian一组
有好多次他跟harry故意打得很轻让我飞奔过来接
之后他跟Brian换了一下位置后
我就跟他一队,在这个过程中
他叫我发球的时候用另外一种方式打会更能用力把球发过去
之后我们调换着位置,一前一后,一左一右
合作得很愉快,至少觉得有他在做什么都很有意思
有一次我们为了抢球还不知道谁打到了谁
事后很礼貌很见外地道歉了一下

之后由于他要早点回家与家人去city
我就觉得没必要留了
他送harry和我回去
我一路上没说话
直到harry下车后,他叫我坐旁边
我才开始撩起话题来讲
可是仿佛已经没有了以前无话不谈的感觉
反而更多是我问他诸如此类的问题去提起他说话的兴趣
直到后来他快要送我到家了
我们才燃起了一点点聊天的气氛
他叫我不要slam the door我故意起劲地关门

下车前还跟他说我妈妈跟他say hi
还有故意说他还记得我家地址在哪里
之后看着他车远去
有种很可惜的感觉
这么好的一次见面跟独处机会
好不容易见到了,真的有很多话想说
当时还想问他是不是这么急着要走
不过想想算了,人家还有家庭聚会赶着回去

于是抱着沉闷的心情
走去了backyard坐了下来开始听着音乐打发一点时间
看着眼前的的那片熟悉的荒草与邻居们挂在外的衣物
还有这么多任男朋友和男知己一起坐过的那个布满蚂蚁的坐位
过去的种种让我撒下了泪水
一直滴落在手机的屏幕和手臂上
包含着对过去的不舍
还有当时大家说过的信誓旦旦的话语
有些事情也许只发生在当下
真的好难确保以后是否还会对当时说过的话负责
很感谢某些人所带给我的温馨的时光
因为那些都是用钱买不到的
只能用心去感受

虽然当你失去的同时得到了另外一个人的关心
就像奥运传递把火苗的力量传送到另一个人的手里
我们的心里是暖和的
但是某些人在你心里的位置是的确无法代替的

我知道有些时候我还是很勉强地去接受现实的残酷
还有某些人改变过后的态度
但是时间总是能把希望泯灭
不管你当初多坚信
有些事情变了质
就意味着你该换新的了
所以最好的方法只能是
把珍贵的碎片藏在心里
因为我不曾忘记有过的点点滴滴

他说过我们可以从新开始
真正从新开始去培养之前强而有力的情谊的概率也许很小
但我至少愿意去相信
之前发生过的事情会得到转机
然后我们可以坦荡荡地聊着过去
笑看未来

最后总结一下
这该死的backyard巨悲凉...但我还是爱去
勾起的那些时刻让我整整哭了一个多小时
去你的!!


Friday, 4 October 2013

Self-contented (4th of Oct)

Self-contented

It is not a lie, being self-contented is more than any emotions I should have for my family. I know we are not rich, neither are we complete. Without a dad, I can be the man for mum; without money, it gives me an incentive to earn in some ways to lessen her burden a bit. 

My saving has closely reached a certain amount that can afford something I want/need. I have always got my secret plans but at the same time, it can't fulfil all my wishes. To afford the driving lesson will be my top priority, get my equipment and learn something I am actually interested in will be my second and third. Honestly, luxury such as smartphones in trendy, heaps of people have been telling me that it's time for me to get a new phone since my N81 is obsolete. It should have retired ages ago but I am still using it...

'But you are getting to OWN something' mum suggested. I replied ' LEARNING something will be turned into something I OWN as well' which is true, time waits for no man, new phones are on sale seasonally, I don't want to get in a race with others to compare whose phone is better once every a few months. Phones are endlessly updated sooner or later so why not wait a bit longer after I reach other goals that are more important...

She went in my shower room for a few times and talked to me after I have expressed my thought to her. She then said something make me really teary. I tried to hold my tears by laughing because I just didn't want her to feel bad about us, our family and our situation, which she is not able to change at the moment. We do want to make a change, but it takes time, a lot of time.

But yes, I admit that some people are getting me admired by showing how great their life is there from time to time. Aren't they just too lucky? They seem like that they have everything and everyone but me, simply speaking, a 21 that hasn't done much. Our life is not that as problematic, but just the way it keeps me hard to feel satisfied. Even though I have told myself for thousands of times I need to be strong, and move forward...But I still want a lot more than I have now...

But then again, every time when I sit back, quietly rethink about my life, look at her and her smiles. I have never thought I have nothing, instead, I know I have everything because she is already everything for me, as well as creating everything for our today's life. Maybe she got me wrong when I said I wanted to get this and that with the money I have saved. She then said to me 'You don't need to save up that much money to get all those, mum can afford all of them for you' 'Are you feeling sad that we are not rich, we don't even have a complete family here?' I just shook my head...

She cares about my feeling a lot I know, and I care about her just as much as the same. As she always says, we won't even be this close if we ever become rich as richness will drive people apart...I should feel luckier to have her even though we lack of money, but love is eternally there...

I am melted from her love when she came to my bed and clung with me upside down in the morning in a cute way; helped me to braid my hair even though she was clumsily being taught with the new way and couldn't get it right; frequently visited me in the bathroom when I was showering even though she knew that I was fully naked....She's so cute, where else can you find another mum like her...

PS: just found out bubzbeauty is even shorter than me...I should also be self-contented in this case...

Thursday, 3 October 2013

3rd of Oct, 2013

  • A few snapshots of my plush toys 
  • she had a deep talk with me on my bed for another half an hour 
  • My friend in the US greeted me online. I can tell how ambitious he is when he told me which uni he wanted to apply for the most. He encouraged me to use wechat, I asked him to go on FB more...We also talked a bit about relationship, he sounds so experienced though he hasn't got a girlfriend yet lol We didn't really agree with each other's point of view in relationship...
  • The determination there from his words....like wow...btw his voice has changed so much as well...>.>
  • Finished my 500 words weekly assignment
  • webby with grandma and my cousin, who is going to be a dad in 2 months time, sounds so much more mature 
  • grandma then asked if I have a boyfriend, even my cousin was being so doubtful the reason I stay so late outside sometimes=.= Well obviously I have my social life?=.=
  • Anyways I sorted out everything in my external hard drive so now it's much easier for me to look for my documents. Saving all the assignments I did in high school in uni is one of my collections, guess not much people would do the same these days...
  • says I am such a cunning and cheeky person...
  • end of the story for the day....(insomnia attacked, couldn't sleep because I have been thinking too much :S)

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Smiles...(2nd of Oct)

Somebody I used to think that she doesn't seem like the one who has ever hit the rock bottom, but she did, her reflection on her video was so heartfelt that I could feel her pain in her past...

Maybe every happy person has their own stories behind, and because they have gone through the worst, they now understand what is the best in life...Hence, they can now confront everything with a smile. There is nothing you can't handle in life when the power is within you, you are the one to change your way of thinking not anyone else. It's ok to cry but not ok to keep the long-term sadness; it's ok to face temporary problem but not ok to being trapped in a permanent constraint of desperation; it's ok not to trust or accept anyone but must uphold the righteousness...

So do not fear, for people are here with you. Sometimes try to pull yourself together with your own will and get through the crisis...I have my stories too, but nah, not to go detailed here>.> 

I can never forget about anything happened in the past but just remember, not to dwell in the past since change is the law of life...

Big smile for the day: thanks for one inspiring video that has given me so much to think/say. Also thanks for panpan helped me to download Photoshop CS6 and other softwares, oh and the video he linked me was so amazing >3<. That equipment!!!! >.> *big smile appears* And thanks for that clingy mum who has been loving her daughter THIS much... *big smile re-appears*

See...We've actually got a lot to smile for the day...some little things can mean A LOT...

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Painful but hopeful (1st of Oct)

To whom it may concern:
If you ever have a daughter/ girlfriend/ female close friend/ or a stranger who you see she's holding her tummy with bitterness, please go and ask: Are you ok?

You can't cure her pain but you may bring back her smile at some point...

Period pain can be the biggest killer pain to females. I am not trying to exaggerate the fact here. But hey, if you put yourself in our shoes, having period monthly for at least 5 to 7 days AND the unstoppable pain can last for a few hours(if you are lucky enough) to a day, and that make us look like a disabled lying on the bed doing nothing but waiting for the pain to go away, you may even feel worse than what I feel here. Sometimes I do wish to enter menopause....=.=

Like today, the pain just wouldn't go away but with me for nearly the whole day. I couldn't do much about it but ask mum to rub my tummy for multiple times and even tried to sleep but I failed. Every time when I was close to fall asleep, pain was there to wake me up...

But mum's right, I should be feeling lucky to start my period today as Badminton outing is on Saturday, uni starts on Monday. By the time Saturday comes, I will be all free and happy and coming back to be a man

Btw I have started somebody's assessment today, that 1500 words is 1/4 to be done, as it's due on Thursday, same as the 500 words weekly assignment. I gotta finish them all by tomorrow night so I can seriously get back to my own work. No joke, where is my productivity here? I need to summon it up with my super unnatural power!!

I initiated the conversation with Jake and he wanted to come to badminton with us this Saturday. That kid sounds so busy and told me that he just came back from the flower festival that was held in Canberra today. It must be a great experience but he wouldn't want to share any photos, said only limited to family view and called it as 'privacy'...>.> 

Somebody said hi to me but I didn't get back to him as I was busy doing that essay...

Had an hour webby-ing with panpan after she went to sleep. We were both busy doing our work so looking at each other sometimes could be really entertaining, and that also was to relax ourselves. I should say that he's pretty good at making any kinds of pedo faces...It was even funnier when he asked me to show my tummy and then he did the rubbing movement as if he was helping me to relieve the pain I've got from period. But thanks, it was cute :)

Mum can sound sophisticated in some particular issues or when she's really into our talks. I only questioned myself whether I am really into what I am studying for, film studies as I meant. She has given me some advice and that has helped me to rethink about my own choice. She once again has brought up her family. Knowing how granny loves her when she was young, what a typical mum she is and how she has been treating her a bit different from her siblings...I started to put her words into the pictures in my mind...

Thanks for the great story sharing to show how grateful motherhood could be, as well as she's been doing the same, or even better to extend the great power of motherhood...

So to wrap everything up: Females are cool, damn cool!! They endure the pain and being so lovable at all times. Most importantly is that pain is with us but we never give up hopes, instead, we make more for others...

*Claps for us* PS: anti-sexism/ anti-misogyny 

Monday, 30 September 2013

PH-charity dinner :)

30th of Sept

'The theme is 'coming back to school' so you gotta wear school uniform for the dinner' 'oh!! wear skirt wear skirt!! You have hardly worn it, this is a great chance' replied mum....I was sort of regretting of being this honest to tell her what the dress code of the charity dinner was. I don't like dresses and skirts unless I take selfies at home>.>

Come on, 'you need to be more ladylike' This is not the first time someone has said that. I just want to ask: Am I not THAT ladylike??!>.>

Anyways I made it on time to the charity dinner and Gwinny took a few photos with me before we got in. We sat at the very front, table number 2 is right at the front of the stage lol which is good for someone like me don't need to use my glasses to watch the show

It was extremely awkward sitting with strangers at the same table. Then these 3 tall guys in suits and ties caught my eyes when they walked in, Gwinny and I were whispering to each other...>.> This formal? Are they one of the sponsorship? 

They walked past a few tables and ended up sitting next to me where there were exactly three vacancies there lol uhuh..that's right...my new friend saw hot guys sitting next to me, she asked all of us to move over and swap seat with her after half an hour they came...

Oh btw my new friend was the table leader. I didn't get the point to have a table leader until they played a group game that to unite everyone at the same table

I ate eagerly during dinner even my friends asked why I was with this good appetite. Two magic shows were on, one of them made the egg appear and disappear from his own towel, that's not all, he even made the tissue to go through the egg shell. His way of performance was integrated with a series of storytelling so that has increased the level of mysteriousness somehow. Great tactic there...Another magic show was a fail at the beginning, the performer was trying to stack cards up and place some heavier items on top of them. After a few times of collapse of his construction, he started to shake his head and become sweaty, continuously wiping his forehead. Then we clapped to encourage him so the very last time he built it halfway, then the typical sleight of hand smoothly cut his model into half and the whole thing turn into a little green straw all in a sudden...

Later, the presentation from the committee was not bad, but it would be even better if they have added a touchy piece of song in to produce some effects. 

The most impressive presentation was the one who has been to a poor province in China and that she has made friend with the smartest student in there who everyone thinks he can get in Beijing University(the top uni in China). But when she asked which uni he wanted to attend, he said that he wanted to be like the presenter to come to Australia. ‘I have never thought that I am this lucky to come to Australia until someone admires me' She said. That was exactly what I thought as well, she just took the words right out of my mouth. She cried nearly to the end of her presentation, I shed a few tears because of her words resonates with the thought that is me, and I feel it

Sometimes I may be unlucky in some circumstances but at least I have this opportunity to live in a wealthy country; I am not wealthy but Josh Charles says 'when all is said and done, if you can count all your true friends on one hand, you are lucky' I am lucky because at least having 5 friends or more that I consider they are close by now; Friends may not be your only asset and they may not be with you for a long time, but at least I have my mum here supporting me no matter what happens; There may be some disagreement between the one I love, but at least I can wake up every morning and walk out the balcony, see the beautiful sky, breathe in the fresh air and live in the way I like. Luck, is just this simple and clear. You don't expect to have the best, you can't avoid to live to the worst, you don't get to make your decision all the time, fate can be fluctuated but you know what, the chances of each of us coming into existence are small, we should all count ourselves fantastically lucky with the things we own not the things we lose...

Jump back to the charity dinner here lol... I wrote a long message to my paper heart and stick it to that big heart shape cupboard which is sending to the children in poverty in China a few weeks later. I am starting to love this community and think this is the best decision I have made these days. This act of spreading the love is genuinely in a form of a silent blessing but a simple touch to show we care for others...What is love? To my understanding, one of the most important factors is that you just gotta be there and truly listen to the one without the need to speak, this is the ultimate level of showing incredibly love and caring

Enough of love talk :3 the ultimate dance game was another highlight of the night. Each table had to pick a person to represent and hence, to compete with the other 11 representatives. Our table leader Doris voluntarily went on the stage and grouped with the other two guys. She was one of the two lady competitors there, our table 2 was so proud of her and screamed like crazy. Don't know if that's pure luck or she really did a great job, she got in the second round of the game. Some of the guys teamed up and acted like they were drug overdosed...Applause and screaming everywhere like a live club 

Came back home and talked to panpan a bit before we both went to sleep. He told me his aunt and uncle were leaving for China tomorrow. Shame that I couldn't meet them up but oh well....And his stalker sent me a friend request for some reason. It has been so weird when several of his friends want to add me these days :S 

Oh btw, happy national day tomorrow!!! :3 hard working Chinese deserve a long holidays yay xD

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Duh ups and downs (combined 28th and 29th of Sep)

28th of Sep (gathering)

Pool 

Everything was ok except for that moment when I saw somebody peeing by accident. And everyone was blaming me on not knocking on the door before I went in=.= HEY PEEPS, THE DOOR WAS FREAKING HALF OPENED, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THERE WAS SOMEONE INSIDE OF THE TOILET? Great...I wished I didn't see anything but I seriously did...That was even more embarrassing than getting myself exposed in the public when he was facing me on his side with his genital in his hands>.>

(image memory is deleting.....)

His pool table is not as big and flat but it is alright for newbies like us to play with. Brian and Kenneth were like twins holding sticks in a super improper way. Harry is much better than them so I asked him if he's been learning this to hook up with girls since he's been talking about someone he likes for a year and a half by now yet he never had the courage to confess to her...Shame on you bro>.> why being a chicken for, just goooooo for it!! do not be scared if you get rejected, you can always look for the next better target so why worry? 

Don't give up the whole forest for the sake of a single tree...my advice

Turn the horror into comedy

This is so disrespectful to the producer of the horror movie we watched today since we didn't even see it as a horror genre all because the protagonist has one of the most common English names-David. Our friend David was teased by us, mostly by me, making them laugh like hell when I imitated the voodoo thing to call out his name like the one in the movie for a few times.

I don't get how the producer came out with such a great idea of inserting the evil soul into a girl's body by crawling up to her down there painfully as I seriously don't think majority of audience can take that. My compassion this time goes to that guy with glasses who has been attacked by two terrible bitches after they both are demonized by attaching with the blood Mia, this hardcore psychic vomits on one's face, bites one's hand and cuts her own tongue with a knife and the pretty lady was being forced to kiss with her...A slasher film is with all the elements that are needed AND a lot of tomato sauce >.>

I was there onomnomnom-ing my chips...

David dies at the end of the movie, yes...the stupid one in the movie. I mean, why can't you just get your key and get your ass out of that freaky house immediately? why would you still have the mood to being nostalgic of the past at that freaking scary moment?=.= That's the consequence of him got stabbed at the back...I thought he would survive and live with his sister happily ever after...and then the end of the story like the rest of those conventionally written stories but NO....That was so unexpected after another terrible creature came up and started chasing his sister (the psychic who has finally turned back to normal) She sacrifices her own hand just to pull herself out of the car...

That soreness...

Playing badminton for several hours without much of rest like a boss because that sport was getting me so energetic to run around and teaming up with Kenneth was the best as most of the time I gotta hit the ball but not that great with David. He has even taken over my side sometimes =.= 

I can tell that my crafty friend David really likes seeing me running around during the time we played. He purposefully hit it lightly when I stood so far so I was running all the way from the back to the front just to catch the ball everytime..EVERYTIME...=.=

During dinner, David and I shared the hot pot since none of us can reach a mutual agreement of something we wanted to eat...

After they have been knowing how unhealthy I am, they have been convincing me to change my lifestyle...Anyways I was being forced to play cards for another one hour after dinner>.>

sorry about this pathetic post...it doesn't sound as exciting as it was =.=

29th of Sep (A day of exploration)

  • Great, Jenny didn't come to Chatswood at all 
  • I went somewhere else after I have been waiting there while doing my readings for an hour
  • For the sake of cheering myself up, I went to several ice-cream stores to get 3 cups of ice-cream with variety of flavours and to another restaurant to get a comparatively expensive bowl of noodles
  • They cost me up to 30+$
  • It's just a weird way of spending your money to get rid of the anger of not getting your money (don't know if this makes sense..)
  • Further unhappiness has intensified because of somebody
  • Such an unresolved issue will be continuing so I don't think there is any point to talk through this
  • oh well... what a day...and I doubt Jenny either forgot about today is Sunday or she didn't even care when she replied with 'watzup man' as if there was nothing happened there...I don't think she would ever forget about we were supposed to be having a tutoring on Sunday especially I have given her with so many calls yet nobody has picked up any of them...also have sent her a message :(
  • Definitely I would never get angry to my little sis so I rather not to say anything or else it would wreck the friendship between us....parents were totally pissed after I said I only tutor her for an hour (I lied to them already, if I have said that she didn't even come at all...don't know what their reaction would be) 
  • (coming up to update with some new info) so panpan has written me with a long letter, mainly a checklist of what he has done wrong and being unable to satisfy with my standards and all that so these days he has been making me so unhappy
  • we are cool with that after he has showed me some efforts
  • but most importantly is that my closest friend has sent me a long message asking for a reconnection, which has made my day just by reading it at 2am :)
  • coz constant rejection did break my heart for so many times yet I have been still trying. A special someone, really special someone that I don't ever want to lose  
  • Thanks for being there with me for the past a few years and now willing to come back for me, maybe you were bored or just wanted to talk to somebody. But I am truly and deeply happy, really...
  • Wish you the best to see your boss tomorrow ey
  • Wish panpan the best in his interview as well 
  • You just never know how much you care for a person until something happens