Flooding like a red river...(21st of June)

I hope the title isn't too disgusted. It is literally flooding like a red river, if you know what I mean...Meeting up with le bf at Circular Quay. But I was late for at least one hour or something. As he said, I couldn't nap like a pro. Even that I was already at Central and supposed to get another train to Circular Quay, I was still in my dreamland sleeping like a child in that 10 minutes before it departed again. So yes, I ended up at Green Square, that's the same direction of where I come from...

Regardless of my stupidity today, the trip was alright-ish. I didn't find Neutral Bay interesting because somebody didn't seem to be interested anyways, and I didn't want to force someone to google check whether there is anything nearby. I guess exploration alone is still better..A few photos were taken from a dodgy place where I called it as a little 'waterfall' somewhere near where we caught the ferry from. Nice views on the ferry though, but I had to hug somebody all that time to keep myself warm. 

Sorry about my mood swing, but I couldn't help especially when I am on my period. Irritation could be minimized, only when everything is fine. It's true that we didn't want to spend that much for dinner, we decided to go back to Darling harbour for the meal. And my hunger killed me so badly to the point that my childishness comes out and begging him to get me some food. He bought me some snacks-fish cocktails. He took some of my personal belongings as he loves teasing me, then I became super grumpy sitting in front of the gate, waiting to finish my fish without saying anything to him. 

I could be annoying too, just like what I did tonight. I told him to go Chatswood, then Darling harbour, and Surry hills, then dragged him to Capitol, and came out because I didn't like the noise inside...I kept changing my mind to annoy him,  guess he didn't mind at all yeh? He has his particular way to deal with me too. I am not telling you here what it is..but yeah..

Well, the tuck shop-Thai restaurant was ok. I found one of the waitresses is pretty :3 ok...this sounds weird...>.> I mean the service is good, at least she helped us to clean up the table>.> And and and I don't think I could cope with spicy like before, nowadays I am becoming weaker and weaker killing by spicy food. A few glasses of water got me a full stomach, not the food. My eyes have gone watery and I almost cried...After all, my sad faces are adorable, I know..

After dinner, somebody wanted to grab plushies, I couldn't stop him from doing that. And I couldn't tell how much he has spent on those machines, we ended up getting nothing anyways. Hmmm...thanks for rubbing my tummy on the train when I had this annoying feeling that I couldn't get rid of :/ Oh and hmm bb is shooo evil..you know what I mean >.> How could you do this to me when I'm on my period >3<

Just for update..(20th of June)

Researchers have proved that chewing gum does good to first impression based on an interesting experiment of some identical twins. The video I've watched today was about how people reacted towards the one with chewy and the one without it. And most of the examples have shown that the one with the chewy is seemingly more friendly looking from how others perceived.

The second season of Diao's oversea will be uploaded in a few weeks' time. Not sure when the first episode will be on, but the excitement of seeing Ying involved is all that important. How could someone be this perfect like she has everything she wants, is also good looking and all...

So period pain has been there for the whole day...Lucky that I wasn't in my exam period except the 24th, which is still a few days away from now...

And, I sort of read through two courses' outlines for next semester. Knowing that I'd be having two group assignments for these two courses, honestly, I cannot wait..for that...No...I guess this is one lame joke...  

Aimless browsing (19th of June)

I blame myself for waking up so late. Yet I have the reason why I can...It wasn't a good reason though-I slept at almost 2:30 last night...During my lunch, I was thinking to watch one talk show, then this recommended video-man from another star, appeared on the side bar...Who haven't heard of this popular Korean drama most recently? See? No one...

Knowing the fact that I'll get addicted to this drama once I start watching it. I only scrolled down the comments. I have no doubt why this drama has gone super viral on the internet. All thanks to so many fangirls out there encouraging more people around them to watch it. I was over that Korean drama due to pure luck. I couldn't bear watching that 15 minutes of episode 1, with unmatched English sub and dialog which annoyed me quite a bit. Plus I couldn't find an HD version with English sub/Chinese sub from other sites, or else today will be my first day start falling into this pit of fantasizing Do Min Joon fever...>.> 

So hmmm other than that, I finally get my blog up-to-date. Don't worry, I ensure the quality is good enough for readers. When I say good enough, it doesn't mean perfection is made for Grammar nazi...I try to pick up my own mistakes from my posts, but that's only when I have time left to read back what I have typed...>.>

I sorted out my mailbox tonight. I never had this mood to do a complete cleaning except tonight that I think I should really do it. And I did, which I felt proud of me being such a patient one removing almost 4000 mails in several hours...No, I kept 200 of them, the ones that I treat as memorabilia, or carries some personal values or other functions...such as somebody's Facebook posts that I value the most. 

Btw, thanks for that great idea having such a lovely dinner with homemade wraps. She said it would be even better for tomorrow night when she got all the ingredients she needed. But I was already so contented making my own wrap, here are two photos of my wraps:

Bacons, beans, raw sliced carrots, beef jerky, garlic, chili, onion, butter and soy sauce..Trust me, it tastes good~

Yes...she even suggested me to try to put the cooked veggies in my second wrap, so I did...Welll...I'll say I like my first wrap better? 

Lastly, to sum up what I did the rest of my night after dinner, I guess I would call it 'aimless browsing but valuable discovery'. I've come across some really good sites, such as top things to do in Sydney. Living in this city for almost 5 and a half years by now, I've learned a lot from everyone around me, and this is why I like to be around with the ones who are patient and nice teaching me lots of things. Things that I already know, has become a part of me, but those that are still new to me, experiences that I haven't had, ideas that I've never known, food that I've never tried are still waiting for me to find out myself, or others to tell me about them. My love and hate feeling towards this country is all that I should cherish it more, because I don't know if there is that one day I'll leave this land, my second home again...

PS: Somebody said I have ignored him for at least 3 times today...I am sorry that I made you feel that way~

Foodie (18th of June)

Watching a video today about how human has become inhuman. It is about this Indian actor acted as a victim, seeking for help on the street. The objective behind is to experiment how humanity/inhumanity Indian society has become. It was quite shocking to watch all passers-by only stared at him without having this attempt to go up and help him. Even there was an ambulance drove past him, but didn't stop for him. If there was anyone, just one person, or a few people were willing to call the ambulance, lots of thing wouldn't have happened in India. At the end of the scene, he acted 'death'. Almost 60+ people around him were only standing there like stones, til he finally stood up again, revealed how inhuman Indian society has turned into. Noting that the biggest hospital is only 1km away from where the scene takes place. What causes everyone turn blind to something they may help to change one's life? His speech among the crowd really worth our time rethinking what we haven't done enough. To talk about rapists, tortures etc, any crimes happen in India might have prevented which didn't, are not fully because of the bad condition this nation has, but it's everyone else that lack of this responsibility to help and protect the victims, as well as to prevent something bad happens. And this video is the evidence of why re-occurrence of rapes and murders happen the most in this country. Imagine if the victim is your sister or brother, would you still stand there like watching a drama?

Other than that, reading online news again for another one hour. Accidentally saw somebody has shared two top apps on her post. 'Word lens' seems fine, unfortunately I am not using Iphone. So the rest of my time, I started to look for the top apps to download for my S4. And now I am not talking about popular game apps, but those that I need for other aspects in my daily basis, such as navigation and learning.

Anyways at night, I suggested to go to Jenny's Grills restaurant to have dinner with her. The mixed seafood platter really worth the price. It also comes with 2 of the 4 choices, we can pick vegetable, mash potatoes, chips or salad. I picked mash potatoes and salad in the end. Plus a dish of oranges is also offered for free. And PLUS they gave a bowl of lemon water for us to wash our hands in case we used our hands to eat, which we did. How can you resist such a good service with the bill of only $24 for a meal? I definitely can't, and mum really likes it. I believe we'll be back soon as it even opens in public holidays, glad to know that :)

Here is the image of the mixed seafood platter, mash potatoes and salad...



Good service, good food and good price!! Highly recommended!!

PS: I guess such a worriment shows how much you care for a person when he's in danger. She never gave up on him...

Asian spirit makes me proud (17th of June)

Reading online news is one of my habits other than blogging. Sorry I've just read too many online news everyday that I feel like giving some opinions to each of them, yet I can't decide which one is the most newsworthy one for me to write about here. Just like today after I updated my previous blog posts, or before I got it done, a news from a side bar pulled me in, everything started from one single click. As everyone knows both recent political issues Ukraine and Iraq, have taken a lot of attention in media. Everyone must presume that the tensions both countries have will most likely to affect the global economic condition, but some analysts predict global economic condition will remain stable as long as America does not involve. In other words, America's commitment is the reason, the determinant to influence how the market goes, as always...(Forgive my lack of political knowledge here, so only just to give a bit of my personal opinion here...)

Another thing I read is about Dubai and its vast expanse of riches. I haven't done much researches about this city, but I believe I will soon...How much progressive development has made and from when it happened, are all worth to study for. Given you a few examples here: Leopards are their pets; ATM are made of gold; lions are ridden like horses; most of the police cars are racing cars; no cars are not those exclusive types on the streets; they sometimes use shark to feed pets...you know how expensive that is man? =3=; the most popular Starbucks there is more of a castle-like; and even the rubbish bin is also made by LV material...

OK...looking back to our reality...^Dubai is way too far from our dream...I wish there is this one day, I can travel there to witness its luxurious lifestyle...So the last piece of news I want to share here is to inform people out there, if you want to study abroad, now I'm telling you that Australia is ranked as the most expensive country for international students to live in. And I am not blabbering here, this is based on an accurate data collected from banks in which it has proved that studying in Australia in a year cost more than (US)$38000...Yes....the commodity price is just too high here. Even I got my citizenship, my life is still under so much pressure, so I truly feel how stressful international students and new immigrants experiencing there..

Let me just stop here, my intention is not to unfairly judge any nations or individuals, so if I've misused any concepts, misinterpreted any news online, no biased towards any cases or events, this ordinary person is only expressing what she thinks towards what she's seen and heard... 

Anyways...I didn't go anywhere today. The place I went was to that club, where mum led me to CR restaurant to have our luxurious dinner. Joking, it wasn't luxurious at all...Only that the amount was huge for both of us. The dried noodles with sliced duck as well as that thai noodles (forget its name>.>) were just shooooooo gooooood >3< Towards the end of dinner, mum urged me to register membership cards there so we could get discounts and all that. You know, Asian spirits>.> We then walked up to RSL, the guy was heaps nice to introduce what we will get once we become the members. Two weeks later, we will be receiving a booklet of vouchers, that is one thing every customer loves. She got her photo taken, and we had a bit of rest chilling inside, watching a guy playing slot machine, with $1.2 for each bet, seeing him lose 60 bucks in less than 20 minutes while mum was asking me how this game is played. Guess what, I just did my research paper, linking Flappy bird to the theory of slot machine right? I sort of had my gaming talk with mum when watching this phenomenon. I then went to get my Latte, the damn machine was only left with milk, so this is how unlucky I was in my first time having a drink at RSL...=3= After another half an hour of wait, I asked mum to get another cup for me. Long black tastes like Chinese herbs in the beginning, but as you keep drinking it, that bitterness gradually fades away for some reason. Oh and this woman sitting next to mum has been teaching mum how to play the slot machine lol...I mean...we are just here for food and drinks >3> By the time we got home, I felt devastatingly trolled by her when she told me that she left everything at the seat at RSL (yes...everything as in her cards and info etc for joining the membership>..>) I then rushed back to RSL, this guy stopped me from entering because I wasn't a member yet...Also I look underage=0=...I told him I'd be coming back when I got my mum's stuff upstairs. Lucky everything was still there when I went back. Lastly the guy directed me back to the front entrance to get my membership card signed. Can't believe I'm now really joined RSL after 5 years living across this street...

Panpan came online at 10-ish. Same as usual, we both talked about what we did for the day; I told him about my exciting plan on going into different restaurants each time after my tutoring at Chatswood, in return, I was told by him who needs to get a new pair of shoes because the ones he wears now left him with pain from his ankle. He also told me he wanted to have a 3d printer for his modelling, then don't know since when I started to bring up our gold coast trip again, saying how we'll be saving for that. Topic shifts from gold coast to roller coaster, one of the scariest one as he mentioned there, sounds way too scary just by imagining it. I doubt that if anyone could ever survive after riding it...Lastly, we didn't webby tonight, but photo sharing was seemingly even more fun than that...Hopefully my cuteness didn't kill somebody...It's too early to kill him anyways xD 

*thumbs up* excellent service (16th of June)

Thanks for panpan's effort trying to cheer me up late night, even though he's got exam the next morning...His adorableness did make me smile a bit. That feminine pose of his was just so damn cute >3<

So message received from my fatty, which got me quite emotional by reading the entire content. A long message first time from dad, not only about wishes but a deep love letter written by him. Why got me in such a mood once I got up T___T Damn tears were running down my face during the whole time I typed my last night's blog post. My house got filled up with sorrowful music, and my own unleashed depression went wild...How much depression you'd get from a depressing night, all you need is more time to get over things. This is a time to cry your heart out, and gets healed with slow paced music....

She took me out after 2ish. We were there looking for the right size of light globe for my lamp. That has taken us a decent amount of time to walk across a few streets and compare their prices, ensure it's energy saving and right size to fit in my lamp. Then she led me to that furniture store where they sell the office chair. The oldie already has painted everything for us. The scratches were almost gone, if not all. Mum couldn't stop checking every corner though, the boss joked around saying it'd be a different price if this chair didn't fall off from the truck. But then he's a nice oldie likes to bring humour to his customers. That was only my second time to visit the store, but I already could feel his enthusiasm towards Asians. He invited us to have some Chinese tea; he claimed himself is from Hanoi, Vietnam; he joked about he'd charge us for 50$ delivery fee; he even wanted us to wait for his son's van to deliver the chair instead of us carrying it home, this is how much he pays responsibility to his service; ensuring the best quality of product for his customer is also his first priority. We then waited there for another half an hour or so, til then, he suggested to get a big white cloth to wrap the chair around, as well as to wrap the trolley if we wanted to take it home on our own. I'd say it wasn't really a bad idea at all, except that the look was pretty fishy if you see someone pushes an white-cloth-wrapped object, wouldn't you relate to funeral or some kind? Mum was laughing at how cute this oldie is, his son, who was standing at the shop, also laughing at his father. Lastly he asked us to go home first to wait for delivery at 5-ish because he wasn't sure when his son'd be back from work. Besides, he also tried to ask to borrow a van from the chicken shop next to it, you can see how he has tried to help us to carry the chair home in every way. We waited and waited til almost 6-ish, we still haven't gotten any response from the furniture store, and we couldn't ring them and ask as I forgot to write down their number. So she asked me to walk back there and ask. As soon as I got there, the door was still opened, but there was no one inside the store, I waited for the owner to come back. He brought another friend of his back to the shop 5 minutes later, he introduced me as his little customer and hi-five with me. Then he nicely asked me to sit in his office, told me that his cousin was coming with his van, so we just needed to wait for a bit more. Then he started chatting with me, asking if I'm still studying. I was called a good girl after I said I studied blah blah blah. He then told me he also has two daughters, one of them is doing business management in a big company, and the other is a criminal lawyer who has a child of 5 months old. He showed me his grandson's video when he tried to 'sing' with his dad, as well as another beautiful daughter's photos. I could feel what a warm family he has from his smile on his face. What a happy oldie there :) He also expressed how much he loves China. He has been to China for so many times for business purpose, the most memorable thing he has is the elegant hotels and abundant choices of Chinese food. He also has learned some Chinese from his friend, and he told me he'd be going to have Chinese food again tonight. Anyways, his cousin finally arrived, he carried the chair to his van and drove all the way back to my apartment, waited me down there to open the door for them. Mum came down and helped these two oldies to carry the chair upstairs, the boss again joked around he'd charge us 50$ more for each floor he climbed up lol So now he has given a wonderful impression to us, two customers for all the dedication he made, were all showing he deserves more customers. Mum even said she would go to his shop more often when she needs something :3

Our initial plan was to go to that RSL restaurant to have dinner tonight. I told her to change her plan to tomorrow night because my hair looked terrible. Fatty called me half an hour later while mum was still cleaning our new office chair, I talked to him for a while, told him about my internship plan and all that. He gave me some opinions or strategies to attract online readers. It's true that the core value of online magazine for viewers is letting them to feel beneficial, plus the information given has to be constructed as concrete as possible, in his words, realism is one of the essentials that people care about, we can elaborate a subject beautifully but never make up something that is unreal. I love how dad has this tendency to be my analyst to whatever I tell him, nobody else will be this honest to you, just like he does criticize some decisions I make. Even if I told him that my friend works in a loan company and that he asked me if I'm also interested, he didn't give me a straight response, he doesn't for or against it, the only thing he asked me to do is to do some research on the structure of that company and ask for more daily duty and responsibility from my friend before I make further decision. I wonder if I've ever inherited rationality from him, who's so bright...

PS: mum's lamb was so great....I wanted to eat more >3<
PS1: So hearing that Iraq is now in an open war with its people, somebody that mum knows is now in Iraq, its capital city. So this is really worrying :/
PS2: Man..this Aria restaurant is way too exclusive...But looking at how special the food displays on the dish, the visual enjoyment I have from those tasteful food has made me go on searching for more pictures from google...I really wish I'm rich...I really wish I can afford the meal...and I really wish I can take mum there one day...     

I'm Sorry dad..(15th of June)

To my fatty,

After almost two weeks of assignments and finals, I finally could have a bit of time to relax myself like today. I tutor the kid as usual. Again, he slept at 3am last night, so his attention span couldn't really last for 2 hours. But I've learned to handle him days by days, I've tried to understand how hard a parent could have been by looking at how frustrating his mum tells me about him, I comforted her and revealed that I'm also the one been raised up single-handedly all these 10 years. Without a dad figure in one's family, life can never be easy...

So my relaxation started after my tutoring, I explored around Chatswood for almost one hour just for picking which restaurant I wanted to spend money on. There are too many choices there for me, I was going to pick one of those Europeans but I just realised that I've only got 30$ in my wallet. Not literally, the 50$ I just earned from tutoring made up 80$. But I never used them, instead, I have my own saving spot to accumulate my weekly effort. I only have spent it once, and that was when I bought mum's birthday cake. Because I love her, I love you too, though I do seem cold-hearted at times, but I really do...Anyways, due to lack of money I had in my wallet, I ended up in a seemingly traditional Jap restaurant as I was attracted to its menu once I checked on it. I was sitting in the corner looking at the menu, being indecisively flipping over the pages. It was one of those times I couldn't make up my mind...So I ordered a origini called California, it was an interesting method to wrap up a origini on your own. They put this seaweed inside of a plastic and what you had to do is to take it out from the back, and wrap the origini. Has it always been a traditional way to eat an origini? I just never knew..And I also ordered a set of udon with tempura with soy sauce. It wasn't a special day today, at least not that I knew or remember it was...Even without knowing it was, I made my meal special. Having the slightest thought to make each day special is the closest path to happiness. I don't really go back to the same restaurant as I visited previously. Going to a new one has always been my collection to take pictures and feel that newness. The magnetic chopsticks I found when I had my meal was also one of my discoveries. Enjoying that meal so much, had my nap nap time on the train home. Because of that, I've missed my station by the time I woke up. I ended up getting off from Burwood, and waited for my train to get back to Central. Anyways, I went back home, went straight to bed, mum came back and said she found my usb down there. I felt really thankful for whoever that is pick up my usb somewhere in this building and put it on top of the container where you press the unit number down there. Otherwise I'd have lost my 30gb usb forever, and that's a really sad thing..

Anyways...I was awaken by mum who told me to call you because today's father's day in China...Not that she didn't tell me at all, she actually did in the morning. I truly understand that feeling after waiting for one's call the whole day. I said sorry and tried to cheer you up on the phone. However, my laughter didn't seem to alleviate such an intense situation, but more of a chemical weapon caused that 'explosion'. The harsh words coming from your mouth, that angry tone of voice completely ruined every bit of my happiness for the day. Especially when I was really meant to say sorry, you thought of that as another joke all because I hate being sweet to people even when I do something wrong. My attitude got you even more angry explaining how busy I was, how much time I spent on my finals etc. Yet you were telling me how little time I care for mum when my time was taken by friends' outtings and being selfishly only care about my own life without thinking about how both feel. I was provoked, I have become fully silent on this end. On the other end, your continuous sighing and negative words was severely slicing my heart to the point that I lost my words, I stopped replying, I only sobbed quietly til your extreme disappointment made you hang up your phone on me without even saying a goodbye..Mum was there next to me saying I seriously was wrong this time. The more she emphasised what he said, the more my rebel side took over my thought. Then I ate dinner with tears dropping down in my rice, she passed me tissue, I pushed her hand away. 

It was full of awkwardness during dinner time, I didn't give any response like a soulless zombie. She then started her family talk about how my deceased grandpa makes her regret, to why I should cherish my dad more. Even if his life expectancy will make him to 100 years old, how many father's days or birthdays have left here? Not to mention those ones we can't spend time together, and it's almost impossible to spend those days together when our family live apart one another. I cried at that part, so then she said, come on, call him again and say sorry to him, talk to him and cheer him up, it's father's day, don't make him unhappy for this long. She wechatted him to see where he was. After another half an hour of waiting him to get back to us, he finally called her phone. I set it as speaker so mum could also hear what he said. I then quietly said sorry, but then I was being questioned why I didn't use my own phone to call him; why I didn't make my first move to say sorry to him without mum's help; why I couldn't even bother to send a single message to him..I was being blamed again..Everything became even worse in the second call. He hasn't gotten this angry for don't know how many years, I never knew he'd value a day for this much...My irresponsiveness has fully control of my attitude at that time, nothing I said was pleasant to be heard, for mum or for him, or both of them. Adding to her constant pushes me to say something, I gave a cold stare, and said 'what do you expect me to say? I'm listening now! What else you want me to do?!!' More disappointment coming from the other end, saying it was all their fault unable to teach me well...He became a bit calmer gradually, saying things like he was not qualified to be a good dad and teach me more...I felt even more hurt when they started blaming themselves..All I heard is my behaviour has made them feel how bad parenting they have given. Yet, they are the greatest parents I've ever seen. It wasn't because they are my parents, they are truly great for having completely different point of views from most of the parents I've seen and heard. Especially my dad who doesn't uphold a traditional way of teaching, what he always asks me is whether I have taken care of mum well, if I've been happy these days. He would relate one things to another to teach me how to cope with hardship, and always been telling me to be strong to defend myself and all that. But now, they blame themselves for not doing good enough to raise up a child after 22 years of me, their daughter have been feeling proud of everything they've done to me. And another hang up fully made me feel numb, unable to know what to do or say. Then mum started to be truly happy, questioning me why I did this to dad, why I didn't say a word, why so hard to even say something...I stood up, attempted to walked to my bedroom without answering any of her questions. As I was close to reach my bedroom, she fully yelled at me asking me to come back and sit still at the table to do self-examination til I realised I did wrong, and called dad back to make him happy. She said, no matter what, you clean your own mess, you can't just let it go like this, you can't just ruin a day that someone has expected for this long, but more importantly is that, you can't just ignore someone loves you and expects you to have something in return. I then sat there facing the ceiling, looking elsewhere blankly for almost two hours. She was sitting on the couch, saying nothing to me in 2 hours. And I still couldn't take my courage to pick up my phone, and make a call. I seriously didn't know what to say. My body was even heavier than a ton of irons not being able to lift up even a bit. I started to think about my childhood and all that, our days when three of us were still together, traced back to those days when they were still young, holding my hands to travel everywhere...And our days when mum and I had arguments, there was once I stayed at the park so late, to the point that I wanted to get kidnapped or whatsoever to escape something I didn't want to confront...

Two hours have passed, I was still not doing anything, but thinking process never ceased. She asked if I've got something to tell dad, if I've thought about something after all these happened. How could I not? Yet my coldness gave her a straight 'no'...What she started to do is to convince me to text him, wechat him and all that, now that I felt that I was being pushed, forced to do something so that my coldness has escalated to another level. Up until she said she had to sleep soon, as it was close to 9:40pm...I was still giving her this cold face, having my phone on my hands but haven't decided what to type. I'd have typed a chunk of message by now if it wasn't someone force me to do something. I know myself well, the more you urge me to do it, the more I'll rebel against that idea of yours. And it was even a worse idea to dispute with mum in such a timing, I asked her not to supervise me, I only wanted to stay quiet, think then call or text dad when I want to before today ends. But my attitude was bad enough to make her irritated when I said so, she then took my words as offence, angrily forced me even more. She started her mum talk which made me feel she didn't care how I felt either when being in such a situation, where my heart has absolutely turned cold, like a piece of metal. Even worse was when she said something like she'd call my bf to take me away, she didn't want to see me anymore. Though that is something commonly heard from her whenever she rages, it doesn't mean I didn't feel I was being abandoned..Then she even wanted to slap me when I argued with her a bit later on, and yes, I saw her hand stopped in  halfway in the air...I knew that she didn't want to be this maddened, only if I listened to what she said. However, to me, I only wanted to have more time to create a proper apology to dad..Despite my stubbornness has ruined a night, my contradictory thought was also the reason cause me to do everything completely opposite to what I really think in my mind...

What's coming next? She kept saying how I am not considerate about parents, even all dad wants is to have my accompany on the phone because he's just as lonely as her these years...Crying was as though our only communication by then, I looked at her, but I still didn't say a word. At last, the most hurtful moment was when she couldn't stand my silence anymore, she dragged me to sit in front of her, threw my phone on the floor, asked me to pick it up and text him, right now..I had that feeling of scarcity of oxygen around me, as I was having an extreme hard time breathing when I cried, my hands went shaking holding my phone, looking at the screen. Every nerve of mine was tangled up like a strand of strings, I couldn't even type a word...After another 15 minutes of struggling, I was still like a helpless idiotic kid crying and catching my breath..She then forced me even more, I couldn't hold myself anymore, but said in a chain of words at my fastest speed. What I said was pretty much harsh, and provoking...She then took out a stick from her room, hit the chair once, but then hit it right at my back. Now I was like a wimp starting to get scared, trying to squeeze some words from my brain, and turned them into message...And I only typed a sorry dad...She asked me to type more when I seriously couldn't think about anything else but I yelled at her when I said that...She then once again hit me on my arm...I knew this drama would never stop if I didn't surrender...As she directed me what to write, it took me almost half an hour to construct 30 words...For some reason, it was failed to send out, so we still ended up calling him...

Once I heard dad's voice, I cried even more...Both physically or mentally pain was not enough to describe how bad I felt...It was all my fault after all...Dad even comforted me saying it was his fault not teaching me well, he didn't blame me..He just feels so lonely each and every night when he goes back home. The emptiness fills up the house has made him really suffocated at some points. He just misses me so much, he wants to see me and wishes me to go back soon. Yet I never called him or texted him, even now with wechat, I still never greeted him, barely respond to his messages and all...To what he said, mum slowly hugged me back from the floor, we clung together, cried...cried...That saddest moment when you felt so close to your parents yet so far for not being together, and all these happened driven mum and I apart...After all, he's still a man, he didn't cry, but he made both of us cry a lot. Or maybe he did, we couldn't see, but felt that sadness formed from his negative words...I said sorry to dad, and asked for a forgiveness. He paused a few seconds, and said 'I just miss you..' I wanted to say I miss him too but I couldn't.. So at the very end, I handed back my phone to mum, he sensed I wasn't ok, he then asked what mum did to me. Knowing I was being hit by her, he slightly raged at her irrationality...

Each and every time after her aggressiveness, she would feel extremely sorry though. Same as usual, she clung me, rubbed my back, and trying to make me happy to make up what she did to me. I know they both love me so much, way much much much more than I love them...I claim that I love them to my utmost, yet I couldn't even do something simple to wish dad a happy father's day...I'm truly sorry dad...I really do wish I show you the warmth you want from me, like now I've been writing thousand words in English to you, but I am not brave enough to turn them into Chinese and let you read..I just can't express how much I love you with my mouth, I am the one that keeps everything in...But I promise you, as I understand how you think about me, us, this family now, I understand even more from what was untold, I will make changes for you, and mum. I really wish I am able to make you two proud of me as much as I feel proud of having you as my parents. I really love you and mum, I really do...

                     -------Yisha