Saturday, 15 August 2015

(15th of August)

今天在家做了很多readings
看到头昏眼花
之后还写了很多notes
然后晚上吵着要某猪回家
我那消极的情绪一来
就如洪水一样一发不可收拾
我责备了他一顿
还把他当犯人一样审问
我知道我这种态度是极度可怕的
因为其实他根本没错
反而是我太苛刻专制了
又可能是我关心某人到一个心理扭曲的状态
本来这些都是些鸡毛蒜皮的事情
没必须在三更半夜为了这些争执来争执去
但我真的是那么神经病
当他跟我说一些以后再也不social的话
以及某些促使我相信是我把一个人逼到某种境地才会认为这样做是避免我们之间的不合
我开始有了惭愧这种情绪
我也许是被某种负面力量占据了我的身体
使得我越来越不懂跟人处理好关系
说到底都是我不好罢。。

Friday, 14 August 2015

也就是这个样 (14th of August)

嘛。。虽然今天lecture上的内容都记下来了
但attendance却无法mark
因为lecturer说我迟到了
他希望我下次能在mark roll的时候去到
而不是迟到10分钟
只不过他用了有点harsh的remark说了我几句
you shouldn't be taken the course if you are absent for two times...
我真不敢迟到了。。。
弱弱的说句对不起。。。
课上的气氛还是不错的
而且那部experimented电影十分好看
它融合了staged和improvise的两种特质
去描述一个我们常见的现象
characters是以自己该呈现的性格去demonstrate安排好的scenario的
而他们并没有该有的dialogue
自己凭借着对角色的理解去演绎着这个角色因此变得更为真实

嘛。。。
接着两小时后的会议我感到十分丧气
原因是我变得是left out的那一方了
全程没发表什么意见
而是,变得很被动地
又别人去主宰这一切
我感觉我对director这个身份越来越遥远
还有越来越无欲望去掌管一个department
Jacq反而变得更像一个director在做事
其实我并不介意她的主动
我在意的是,我感到悲伤的是我变得越来越不像我自己了
我迷失了方向
我没有了动力
而且我已经对生活十分绝望
绝望到我开始不清楚我到底想要什么
我是被情绪所控制了我个人想表达的东西
我丧失了如何跟人好好相处的能力
我变得跟废物一样看着他人表现极佳
而我自己什么都没做
我被我自己抛在了一个角落里
没人会注意的一个角落
所以我突然很沉默寡言
然后抑制不住那些情绪
在路上开始哭泣
去到了某猪家里默默难过
某猪不知道我究竟发生了什么事
一直安慰我
而我半小时后又好起来了
仿佛经历了一段roller coasting的旅程
一下子那negative的东西全然不见
然后又好好地吃着他煮的curry小丸子
挨着他看起了variety show

其实我欠缺的应该是别人的肯定和温暖吧
每次当我能看到某猪
能抱到他的时候我会突然好起来
不过我又恢复了那个很悲伤的我
当我离开的时候
我实在是压抑得很难受。。
包括麻麻最近对我说的那些很消极的话
促使我晚上几乎不想回家了
就好像不回家的举动
成了我逃避责任的理由
可能我对家庭的包袱感到太沉重
。。。
然后即使是我最在乎的人
我也觉得已经变得不太重要了
去消解所有不想要的情绪
看来还是一个十分长远的过程
我是尝试快乐过的
但快乐总是不长久
就像是
保质期一过
新鲜度就没有了
我的生活就是这样
一直持续不断的被葬送在无数次的过期物质里..
....

Thursday, 13 August 2015

似曾相识 (13th of August)

世界真是小小小
今天一上火车
就见到某两陌生人10年后相逢的一幕
某人一直在夸另一某人变化了不少
而且才发现某人已经结婚生子了
当时的我站在他们中间
突然也为这两个陌生人感到高兴
心里不由自主地产生一种很温暖的感觉
可能是想起以前高中同学的遇见的那时刻
有着几分似曾相识的感觉罢
如果是我碰见高中同学
我大概当天也会心情特好
。。。

课堂上
我们重温了一系列学过的cinematography
之后进行了一番讨论
得知下周的presentation后
每个人都开始慌张了起来
幸好我对这并无太大的恐惧
因为之前在uni学过的关系
现在学的东西可以算是review
另外坐在我左侧的帅哥今天跟我聊了起来
听说他是之前读film school的
还做过一些film production
AIT还是十分人才济济的
嗯。。

今天嘛
productivity还可以
至少做完了我该做的东西
还有又去了paparich吃了我喜欢的东西
回到家后继续看readings
之后还完成了一部分的notes
还是不错不错的...

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

A sense of present...(12th of August)

too much readings for me to do in a day
200+ pages....
crazy ey....
I spent the entire afternoon to only do up to 130+
some pages were just scanning through
some were not even understandable
I had no idea what it is about even reading some particular paragraphs for a few times

mum has finally tried to cook that super tasteful chicken
I had a few bites on the chicken thigh
and already could feel I was in heaven...

some deep talks through my psychological problems
such as my loneliness I feel towards people
a sense of isolation I have in a group gathering
and my stress towards so many aspects of things
what cause my stress
and how to overcome it
including him who was a part of my stress
I mean...not just that
but the distance I keep between relations
and he has been the only one I feel worthy to talk to
yet sometimes I don't get that much attention from him
when he has other stuff to care for

anyhow....none of us can be fully understood
the only thing we have towards people is empathy
we sometimes are empathetic but not truly get what has been going on in their life
since we can't understand everyone else but yourself
why am I expecting people to get me?
but you know....it's just a struggle to have a sense of present
which I don't think I have that as I exist...

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

无趣 (11th of August)

学习cinematography。。
这些basics几乎都学过
只有几个angles是有点新鲜感的
课后跟Helen大聊特聊了internship
老师人超好
跟她聊完后
我感觉我对film industry又多了一点点的希望
她还邀请我去AIT Oscar下周三
另,带上我妈出席如果我想的话
接着,我怀着愉快的心情去food court叫了一个salad
完事后回到AIT继续做着自己的事情
家中无聊
回家后思索着某些事和某些人。。
生活有时变得很暗淡无趣
就像今天。。
期待明天吧。。

Monday, 10 August 2015

Full take... (10th of August)

  • I love my Monday because it keeps me like a busy ass..
  • 3 hours of seminar was with more fun than I expected
  • I gotta be with Doris again, in a group discussion
  • Telling her my tragic last week of the sickness...
  • having that guy helped us to sum up everything we said
  • lunch break with her to stay at food court, then library
  • lots of talking about life and survival....no, I'm serious here...we seriously did talk about survival
  • then work...job-related topics at the library...
  • two interviews straight after
  • one for Julie. A super talented girl who knows how to make fantasy photo by using PS...
  • she has a lot of interests too, from that long list of hobbies she told me...She's definitely in...
  • Anna too. A girl who's been to Canada before and seemingly has lots of experience in volunteering and into public speaking...
  • Jacq and I love le talk. And Jacq always tries to make me feel shy by staring deep into my soul...>///< .....
  • ahh and and and....Jacq and I had our one on one talk afterwards....We found a place where we could slump over the couch....
  • lots of things being discussed. Such as the 2k budget for PnD to use....and the workload will soon be fairly allocated...
  • din din time with some piggy person....we ordered that set meal for couple. Chicken, roasted duck, soup, dessert combined are just $15 for each person in total....
  • worth the price and portion... thanks dar dar for taking me there.... good-ish din din talk too...
  • LOL to camp invitation...
  • Alice is a good kid. She was being super useful to give in. Poster was made for breakfast day within an hour. I asked her to make some changes to the design, not that I found myself this picky. But it was really the time I had that many requirements to a design...Hope my guideline was helpful though. Thanks for her effort too!

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Harbour Sculptures (9th of August)

Woolwich....
a mysterious place. not really
except that it gives me a little town feels
not that as bustle as what the city should be like
we guess, even the bus we got on was the only bus existed there
maybe even the driver is a loner...

my point is, it is a sheer quiet place
which is a good place to have the public scultures sprouting along the shore
we walked from the really end where it's meant to be the last spot you visit
after getting ourselves a warm-up by taking some interactive shots there
he asked me to change my lens to a more depth of field one
thanks to this guy's suggestion
photos were getting better taken
with some fussiness at either foreground or background
so to leave the subject more focused
generally speaking, it was a tiring walk
regardless, I insisted to take all the pictures for the entire collection of sculptures
he stopped halfway there
watching me to happily get myself contented by taking decent amount of pictures
I eager to have some more interactive shots with the sculptures
and I asked to be in the pictures
yet those times were rare
beautiful natural environment is good enough to be seen there
but as what harbour sculpture means to a visitor
it's the idea of capturing imagination in the city and beyond
Hence, it would be happier for me to do something beyond what a picture is usually like
.........

night time loomed over as a sign to a day is close to an end...
we've decided to go back to the city
while a 45 minutes wait for the bus to the wharf really had us started to form that kind of
food illusion
especially to me who has her hard time these days to get recovered...
food is something more than my desire...