After almost two weeks of assignments and finals, I finally could have a bit of time to relax myself like today. I tutor the kid as usual. Again, he slept at 3am last night, so his attention span couldn't really last for 2 hours. But I've learned to handle him days by days, I've tried to understand how hard a parent could have been by looking at how frustrating his mum tells me about him, I comforted her and revealed that I'm also the one been raised up single-handedly all these 10 years. Without a dad figure in one's family, life can never be easy...
So my relaxation started after my tutoring, I explored around Chatswood for almost one hour just for picking which restaurant I wanted to spend money on. There are too many choices there for me, I was going to pick one of those Europeans but I just realised that I've only got 30$ in my wallet. Not literally, the 50$ I just earned from tutoring made up 80$. But I never used them, instead, I have my own saving spot to accumulate my weekly effort. I only have spent it once, and that was when I bought mum's birthday cake. Because I love her, I love you too, though I do seem cold-hearted at times, but I really do...Anyways, due to lack of money I had in my wallet, I ended up in a seemingly traditional Jap restaurant as I was attracted to its menu once I checked on it. I was sitting in the corner looking at the menu, being indecisively flipping over the pages. It was one of those times I couldn't make up my mind...So I ordered a origini called California, it was an interesting method to wrap up a origini on your own. They put this seaweed inside of a plastic and what you had to do is to take it out from the back, and wrap the origini. Has it always been a traditional way to eat an origini? I just never knew..And I also ordered a set of udon with tempura with soy sauce. It wasn't a special day today, at least not that I knew or remember it was...Even without knowing it was, I made my meal special. Having the slightest thought to make each day special is the closest path to happiness. I don't really go back to the same restaurant as I visited previously. Going to a new one has always been my collection to take pictures and feel that newness. The magnetic chopsticks I found when I had my meal was also one of my discoveries. Enjoying that meal so much, had my nap nap time on the train home. Because of that, I've missed my station by the time I woke up. I ended up getting off from Burwood, and waited for my train to get back to Central. Anyways, I went back home, went straight to bed, mum came back and said she found my usb down there. I felt really thankful for whoever that is pick up my usb somewhere in this building and put it on top of the container where you press the unit number down there. Otherwise I'd have lost my 30gb usb forever, and that's a really sad thing..
Anyways...I was awaken by mum who told me to call you because today's father's day in China...Not that she didn't tell me at all, she actually did in the morning. I truly understand that feeling after waiting for one's call the whole day. I said sorry and tried to cheer you up on the phone. However, my laughter didn't seem to alleviate such an intense situation, but more of a chemical weapon caused that 'explosion'. The harsh words coming from your mouth, that angry tone of voice completely ruined every bit of my happiness for the day. Especially when I was really meant to say sorry, you thought of that as another joke all because I hate being sweet to people even when I do something wrong. My attitude got you even more angry explaining how busy I was, how much time I spent on my finals etc. Yet you were telling me how little time I care for mum when my time was taken by friends' outtings and being selfishly only care about my own life without thinking about how both feel. I was provoked, I have become fully silent on this end. On the other end, your continuous sighing and negative words was severely slicing my heart to the point that I lost my words, I stopped replying, I only sobbed quietly til your extreme disappointment made you hang up your phone on me without even saying a goodbye..Mum was there next to me saying I seriously was wrong this time. The more she emphasised what he said, the more my rebel side took over my thought. Then I ate dinner with tears dropping down in my rice, she passed me tissue, I pushed her hand away.
It was full of awkwardness during dinner time, I didn't give any response like a soulless zombie. She then started her family talk about how my deceased grandpa makes her regret, to why I should cherish my dad more. Even if his life expectancy will make him to 100 years old, how many father's days or birthdays have left here? Not to mention those ones we can't spend time together, and it's almost impossible to spend those days together when our family live apart one another. I cried at that part, so then she said, come on, call him again and say sorry to him, talk to him and cheer him up, it's father's day, don't make him unhappy for this long. She wechatted him to see where he was. After another half an hour of waiting him to get back to us, he finally called her phone. I set it as speaker so mum could also hear what he said. I then quietly said sorry, but then I was being questioned why I didn't use my own phone to call him; why I didn't make my first move to say sorry to him without mum's help; why I couldn't even bother to send a single message to him..I was being blamed again..Everything became even worse in the second call. He hasn't gotten this angry for don't know how many years, I never knew he'd value a day for this much...My irresponsiveness has fully control of my attitude at that time, nothing I said was pleasant to be heard, for mum or for him, or both of them. Adding to her constant pushes me to say something, I gave a cold stare, and said 'what do you expect me to say? I'm listening now! What else you want me to do?!!' More disappointment coming from the other end, saying it was all their fault unable to teach me well...He became a bit calmer gradually, saying things like he was not qualified to be a good dad and teach me more...I felt even more hurt when they started blaming themselves..All I heard is my behaviour has made them feel how bad parenting they have given. Yet, they are the greatest parents I've ever seen. It wasn't because they are my parents, they are truly great for having completely different point of views from most of the parents I've seen and heard. Especially my dad who doesn't uphold a traditional way of teaching, what he always asks me is whether I have taken care of mum well, if I've been happy these days. He would relate one things to another to teach me how to cope with hardship, and always been telling me to be strong to defend myself and all that. But now, they blame themselves for not doing good enough to raise up a child after 22 years of me, their daughter have been feeling proud of everything they've done to me. And another hang up fully made me feel numb, unable to know what to do or say. Then mum started to be truly happy, questioning me why I did this to dad, why I didn't say a word, why so hard to even say something...I stood up, attempted to walked to my bedroom without answering any of her questions. As I was close to reach my bedroom, she fully yelled at me asking me to come back and sit still at the table to do self-examination til I realised I did wrong, and called dad back to make him happy. She said, no matter what, you clean your own mess, you can't just let it go like this, you can't just ruin a day that someone has expected for this long, but more importantly is that, you can't just ignore someone loves you and expects you to have something in return. I then sat there facing the ceiling, looking elsewhere blankly for almost two hours. She was sitting on the couch, saying nothing to me in 2 hours. And I still couldn't take my courage to pick up my phone, and make a call. I seriously didn't know what to say. My body was even heavier than a ton of irons not being able to lift up even a bit. I started to think about my childhood and all that, our days when three of us were still together, traced back to those days when they were still young, holding my hands to travel everywhere...And our days when mum and I had arguments, there was once I stayed at the park so late, to the point that I wanted to get kidnapped or whatsoever to escape something I didn't want to confront...
Two hours have passed, I was still not doing anything, but thinking process never ceased. She asked if I've got something to tell dad, if I've thought about something after all these happened. How could I not? Yet my coldness gave her a straight 'no'...What she started to do is to convince me to text him, wechat him and all that, now that I felt that I was being pushed, forced to do something so that my coldness has escalated to another level. Up until she said she had to sleep soon, as it was close to 9:40pm...I was still giving her this cold face, having my phone on my hands but haven't decided what to type. I'd have typed a chunk of message by now if it wasn't someone force me to do something. I know myself well, the more you urge me to do it, the more I'll rebel against that idea of yours. And it was even a worse idea to dispute with mum in such a timing, I asked her not to supervise me, I only wanted to stay quiet, think then call or text dad when I want to before today ends. But my attitude was bad enough to make her irritated when I said so, she then took my words as offence, angrily forced me even more. She started her mum talk which made me feel she didn't care how I felt either when being in such a situation, where my heart has absolutely turned cold, like a piece of metal. Even worse was when she said something like she'd call my bf to take me away, she didn't want to see me anymore. Though that is something commonly heard from her whenever she rages, it doesn't mean I didn't feel I was being abandoned..Then she even wanted to slap me when I argued with her a bit later on, and yes, I saw her hand stopped in halfway in the air...I knew that she didn't want to be this maddened, only if I listened to what she said. However, to me, I only wanted to have more time to create a proper apology to dad..Despite my stubbornness has ruined a night, my contradictory thought was also the reason cause me to do everything completely opposite to what I really think in my mind...
What's coming next? She kept saying how I am not considerate about parents, even all dad wants is to have my accompany on the phone because he's just as lonely as her these years...Crying was as though our only communication by then, I looked at her, but I still didn't say a word. At last, the most hurtful moment was when she couldn't stand my silence anymore, she dragged me to sit in front of her, threw my phone on the floor, asked me to pick it up and text him, right now..I had that feeling of scarcity of oxygen around me, as I was having an extreme hard time breathing when I cried, my hands went shaking holding my phone, looking at the screen. Every nerve of mine was tangled up like a strand of strings, I couldn't even type a word...After another 15 minutes of struggling, I was still like a helpless idiotic kid crying and catching my breath..She then forced me even more, I couldn't hold myself anymore, but said in a chain of words at my fastest speed. What I said was pretty much harsh, and provoking...She then took out a stick from her room, hit the chair once, but then hit it right at my back. Now I was like a wimp starting to get scared, trying to squeeze some words from my brain, and turned them into message...And I only typed a sorry dad...She asked me to type more when I seriously couldn't think about anything else but I yelled at her when I said that...She then once again hit me on my arm...I knew this drama would never stop if I didn't surrender...As she directed me what to write, it took me almost half an hour to construct 30 words...For some reason, it was failed to send out, so we still ended up calling him...
Once I heard dad's voice, I cried even more...Both physically or mentally pain was not enough to describe how bad I felt...It was all my fault after all...Dad even comforted me saying it was his fault not teaching me well, he didn't blame me..He just feels so lonely each and every night when he goes back home. The emptiness fills up the house has made him really suffocated at some points. He just misses me so much, he wants to see me and wishes me to go back soon. Yet I never called him or texted him, even now with wechat, I still never greeted him, barely respond to his messages and all...To what he said, mum slowly hugged me back from the floor, we clung together, cried...cried...That saddest moment when you felt so close to your parents yet so far for not being together, and all these happened driven mum and I apart...After all, he's still a man, he didn't cry, but he made both of us cry a lot. Or maybe he did, we couldn't see, but felt that sadness formed from his negative words...I said sorry to dad, and asked for a forgiveness. He paused a few seconds, and said 'I just miss you..' I wanted to say I miss him too but I couldn't.. So at the very end, I handed back my phone to mum, he sensed I wasn't ok, he then asked what mum did to me. Knowing I was being hit by her, he slightly raged at her irrationality...
Each and every time after her aggressiveness, she would feel extremely sorry though. Same as usual, she clung me, rubbed my back, and trying to make me happy to make up what she did to me. I know they both love me so much, way much much much more than I love them...I claim that I love them to my utmost, yet I couldn't even do something simple to wish dad a happy father's day...I'm truly sorry dad...I really do wish I show you the warmth you want from me, like now I've been writing thousand words in English to you, but I am not brave enough to turn them into Chinese and let you read..I just can't express how much I love you with my mouth, I am the one that keeps everything in...But I promise you, as I understand how you think about me, us, this family now, I understand even more from what was untold, I will make changes for you, and mum. I really wish I am able to make you two proud of me as much as I feel proud of having you as my parents. I really love you and mum, I really do...
-------Yisha
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